age defines

You know how when you disappear down a rabbit hole you don't see that the lights have just gone out till much later?  Well......it's taken me quite a while to find the light swtich. 50's have been and gone and now it's the 60's; my 60's that is, not yours!

As a way of trying to see inside my head (yes, I want to!) I've chosen collage as a way of visual thinking, of articulating what I can't say out loud........and it works, I think, for me, at any rate.

I spent my dreaded birthday week in the studio 'doing' collage; making, writing, reflecting, more writing, more reflecting....................you get the idea. I created 5 'visual' insights that week and then began to untangle the mesh of what I thought I was seeing. Several weeks down the line, I'm still unravelling. Therapy might be less tortuous but this is what I've chosen to do, I'm not complaining.

 I devised various strategies or 'voices' of interpretation, not all of them worked in that I seemed to be writing the same things but in a slightly different way, over and over. I tried interviewing myself, making videos of myself, I even wrote a 12 ft long scroll as part of my self analysis. This is what happens when you try to be too clever, to outsmart yourself. Your hair curls.

And then I began to make, rather than to write, to think through my fingers, literally:

Much better!

Sometimes we forget who we are are we struggle to look for ourselves.
There's a line by Jane Hirschfield as she watches herself from a distance, wondering what she would say to herself, now, would she be angry, reproachful, compassionate?:

                                       'I whose choices made her what she will be'.

I'm doing that now with these collages, it's driving me nuts but I can't stop.
So what am I saying here, what's the point of this ramble?
Well, maybe nothing more than to remind myself that I'm still here, despite it all. I'll keep going.
            

book making

This weekend I made a little Blurb book from some of the images created during my residency at the Maclaurin Galleries, Ayr, last December. It was a good week, I rediscovered my interest in simple digital photography; it's such a versatile medium, allowing all manner of perspectives to surface just by a click of the mouse. I veered away from it some years ago, finding its seduction irritating. I know that sounds contradictory, but as an artist, I like to touch what I'm creating, I like to encounter serendipity, surprises, mistakes; the human stuff that software can't do. But, during the residency I found the digital tools to be just what I needed to express the my response to the whole place; the silence, the shadows, the light, the dark.........it all slotted into place in my PC. I used 3 different digital cameras, of varying resolutions, from 72 dpi up to 300 dpi; each presented a subtle viewpoint, revealing surprisingly varied results.
Here are a few to give a flavour of what I mean.

I put a link on my Facebook page if anyone would like a preview of the book.

thinking through collage

It was a difficult year; 2011, glad it's over and a new direction is emerging out of the mist. I spent most of the Xmas break doing collage; as a way of thinking through 'making'. It's fascinating what it reveals, relatively painlessly though very thoroughly, once you start to unravel it all.
Usually I work with my own small creations within a collage but this time I decided to go with 'ready made' images from the web, wanting to see the possible differences in what eventually developed on the page. I'm still reflecting on all of this, there's so much to think about. here are some of the visual thoughts which I'm still working on:

The ambiguity of metaphor is comforting, it distances me from an inner truth which is difficult to look at, thus allowing for multiple interpretations over time. I've been avoiding gender in all of this but now see that it's here, now and demanding my attention through its insistent 'voice'.

It's been a while

well, much has happened since I was last here; the Shorelines Exhibition at the Maclaurin, Ayr, was installed. It took me 33 hours to install Seasilks for this, lots of Ibuprofen and a total disregard for heights. I'm very pleased though, it looks just fine in gallery 1. I included the sounds of the sea as well, it helps convey my meaning.
The symposium went well, all seemed happy with the very stimulating papers. New friends were made too, which is lovely. I had my mind changed in a most engaging way by Iain McGilchrist, which was a surprise. Don't deconstruct creativity too much, you may just destroy it altogether!
Sadly, I now have an immense sense of grief; the work is no longer in my studio but 'out there'. The void it leaves inside is cold. A good friend has told me that this is what writers feel too, when 'letting go' of a novel.
All that I am is in that work and I now need to remake myself, acknowledge my new role and move on.
Along the way I have lost a very dear friend. Research and friendship are not happy bedfellows it seems.
Ah well.....
If you want to listen/see the work when it was first shown in Taigh Chearsabhagh, North Uist, then follow this link:  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=W_Er_IJMC20
I go into the gallery, stand under my work and just close my eyes.......I'm home.

My looking glass

This image speaks of the place I inhabit, in my head; multi-layered, complex, slightly distorted.

no pictures this time

It's been a while since I last felt like writing anything here, no special reason, inertia/autumn/distracted....whatever, it doesn't matter now.
I do, however, have a much stronger focus on what I'm looking at, or rather, who; myself, first person narrative, life writing, there are many names for this, another might be unkindly called navel gazing. Why bother?
Well, still curiosity heads up the list of reasons why.
That and a growing awareness of others out there who are doing just the same as I am, looking inwards while looking outwards.

As to the validity of this, there are names I'm aware of, names which keep recurring in my reading; Denzin, Ellis, Pelias, Atkinson, Conquergood, Spry............it's reassuring to find that I'm not alone.
How arrogant! Of course I'm not!
I've also discovered that I love Edinburgh; just being there is good, walking around being someone I'd like to be. Or maybe I am already that person, hidden under the layers of being?

dark spaces and inner beings

I spend a great deal of time on reflective writing, through watching words grow on a page so my understanding grows. Added to this process is the creating of textual collages, which also enable and inform understanding.
Autoethnography is dangerous ground to stand on, or so it seems. Solipsism comes to mind and is whispered round corners. The only way for me to achieve what I hope, is to quietly think about my life, its roles, facades, portals and also departures. The 'letting go' of life's various performances is difficult and complex, multilayered and dark.
The liminal space I'm trying to inhabit is tight, new thoughts protrude from the confining walls.
If however, I let my head go silent, the image at the top of this page, is what I see.